I Draw Too
by ActuallyLukas
Summary: Ivan had always thought he'd be the one to stay up and party until 4 AM. Little did he know that he'd be sitting in the middle of the bathroom floor at that time, crying as he contemplated on whether or not he should take his own life. At least, until he met a boy with the softest of smiles, and the warmest of hearts. Until he met the boy who saved him.
1. Chapter One: I Met A Boy

_I knew a boy who liked to draw,_

Ivan shivered in fear, his heart pounding against his ribcage while he listened to his blood rush in his ears. He stared down at the long cuts across his wrist, his breathing ragged and uneven. The teenaged boy held up his arm, watching as the blood ran down. It dripped against the tiles, resembling the sound of a calming rain. One so sad, and one so deadly, how it earned a smile from the large Russian boy would scare the world. Although at this moment, Ivan shook in fear. He stared at the blade in his hand, the red liquid covering it's edge as he watched the blood fall from his wrist to the floor. There will always be that moment when you cut too deep, and you'll fear the worse. Ivan slowly rose to his feet, balancing off the wall as he dropped the burgundy towel on top of the mess, picking up the blade as he held it up to his eye view. He turned to the wall, sliding it between the boards before turning back to his reflection. He stared at his pale skin, his dull beige hair framing his face and dark eyelashes. He opened the door, hiding in his scarf as he quickly crossed the kitchen. He passed the dining room, climbing the stairs. He looked to his left, staring at his sisters door. It stood open, revealing the small blonde girl laying in her bed. All tucked in while cuddling her teddy bear. Ivan smiled slightly, crossing into her bedroom before tucking her in quietly. He stared at the picture on the wall above her head, sighed sadly at the sight of himself with his sisters. His fake smile, pale skin, his slouched shoulders as he weakly held Natalya on his hip. Katyusha smiling brightly, her eyes unknowing of his story. Ivan turned, kissing her forehead before leaving the room. He shut the door tightly, looking at the metal watch used to cover his scars. It was only eleven thirty. Katyusha wasn't to be home for another hour from her night shift. He blinked slowly, staring down the hallway before making his way down it. Slowly, and quietly, he made his way down the stairs. The grandfather clock ticked as the seconds drew closer until his death. He pushed through the front door, cutting across the lawn and onto the sidewalk. His foot steps were quiet as cars slowly drove by, eyeing him curiously but only shrugging it off as if he were returning from a job or maybe even friend's. It might have been true, he could pass it off as such. Only if he had at least one of those. The Russian teenager crossed towards the dirt road, following it into the forest. The leaves of low hanging branches brushed against him as he continued on, pushing a few out of his way as he crossed into the clearing. Ivan stopped, staring down at the rushing river from his spot on the bank. He leaned forward, smiling as he got closer to the water.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, aru." he turned, facing a small male behind him. His long brown hair was brought into a side ponytail while is brown eyes bore into him. "It's not worth it."

"How would you know?"

"I lost a friend to suicide once." He informed him, grabbing his wrist gently as he tugged him away from the river. Ivan followed, watching as the brunette boy sat down. He patted the ground next to him, inviting Ivan to join. He sighed, sitting down next to him. "It's not worth it. My friend, well, he felt unloved. After being betrayed by his best friend, he couldn't help it. I tried helping him. I tried so hard. I never could do it. He hung himself in his bedroom. Everyone thought he was gone at a friend's, when really, he was in the same house as them. Dangling from his ceiling..." The boy looked up at the stars. The two sat silently, the sound of crickets filling the silence between them before Ivan spoke up once more.

"Why are you telling me this? I don't know you."

"It's best to tell people, isn't it?" The bit as quietly, brown hair dangling in his face as the wind brushed passed their frames.

"I wouldn't know..." Ivan said sadly.

"What?"

"I wouldn't know what it's like to lose someone. I never had any friends or lovers. I still don't. Everyone is afraid of me..." He said sadly. He brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face in them. He looked up, focusing on the boy next to him.

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Really?"

"I'm not afraid of you." He repeated, smiling down at the Russian. Ivan smiled sadly, eyeing him. He turned back to the river, biting his lip.

"Yao."

"Huh?"

"Yao. My name is Yao." He said, leaning his weight on his hands.

"I'm Ivan." Yao nodded, looking over at the larger male.

"What was your friend's name?"

"Huh?"

"Your friend. What was his name?" Ivan asked, "If you don't mind me asking."

"Oh, well. His name was Alfred."

"Alfred... Jones?" Ivan asked quietly, recognizing the name he'd heard many times.

"Huh? You knew him...?" Yao looked at him, confusion conveyed on his face.

"He was in my chemistry class. He was nice to me." Ivan informed. "I didn't know..."

"No one does, Ivan. No one ever does."

'Nobody will ever truly understand what it's like... ever.'

 **Ello! This is my first story on here. Yay, so, I know I missed some errors in spelling and grammar, but I WILL correct them, promise.** **I hope you enjoy Chapter One, and chapters will vary in size.**


	2. Chapter Two: Nobody Saw

_He drew pictures that nobody saw._

Ivan and Yao sat silently, staring at the river as it rushed passed them. The sound of the trees as the wind pushed against them, followed by the sound of clothing shuffling as they adjusted in their spots filled the quiet yet comfortable atmosphere. Yao hummed, standing up before offering his hand to Ivan.

"Come on Ivan, I'll take you to my house if you'd like. My brother's wouldn't mind." His brown eyes bore into the larger Russian boy. Ivan nodded, knowing his choice wouldn't matter in the long run anyways. He stood up, grabbing the Chinese boys hand. Yao grasped his hand tightly, leading him away from the clearing and towards the forest. Ivan looked over at his watch, staring at the hour hand as it pointed to the small silver one, signalling the time.

"Ivan," Yao spoke up against the wind and crunching of branches and leaves under their feet. "Do you have any siblings?"

"Da, I have an older and a younger sister at home." He informed, stepping closer to him. He tightened his grasp, leaning against the small Chinese boy. Yao looked over at him, smiling slightly. A police car sped by as they walked onto the sidewalk, their eyes following it as it turned down a street.

"I wonder what happened." Yao hummed aloud,tightening his grip on the Russian bot's hand. Ivan unnoticeably flinched, biting his lip as he ignored the stinging pain of the silver watch rubbing against his open wounds. The two continued silently until Ivan spoke up.

"How did you know I wanted to jump?" His soft voice broke the steady barrier between them.

"I could see it on your face. The look of pain and urgency in your eyes. The longing to be in the water, under it so you couldn't breath as the murky water filled your lungs. I could see it. It was like you were meeting with a friend, someone you need. You were ready. I knew that look. I've seen it before. The greeting of death so casual. I saw it during one of Alfred's many attempts to take his own life. There is no fear present. It was as if you and death were old lovers, even if you were mere strangers." Yao spoke quietly as Ivan stared at him, his violet eyes unwavering as the small Chinese boy slowed to a stop. He looked over his shoulder at a small vanilla-colored house. The large open yard with a porch swing hanging at least two feet above the boards of the deck seemed like something Yao would have. "We're here." Yao said, leading up the slightly hilled sidewalk leading up to the porch, grass and a few clovers growing in between the cracks in the concrete walkway.

"Yao..."

"Hm?"

"Thank you." Ivan stated, pulling the smaller boy into a warm hug.

"Don't thank me. But promise me. Death is not your friend, not yet at least. If you need to, go find that needed friend."

"But Yao, I will not be needing to."

"Why not...?" Yao questioned, leaning away from him with furrowed eyebrows. He held him at arms length while he cocked his head to the side.

"Because I already found you."

 ** _/Because I can't gap this time skip/_**

Ivan stared at the mirror, pulling off his pink tinted scarf as he eyed the cuts along his collar bone. He could hear Katyusha walking around in the kitchen outside, humming a joyful tune. One almost sickening to his stomach. He scanned the scars and wounds, almost proud, yet very very shameful. He looked down at his wrists, his sleeves rolled up to his arms as he slowly counted each scar.

Sixty-eight.

His goal?

One hundred.

The tall teenaged boy reached into his pocket, pulling out a small pencil sharpener. He used his fingers to turn the loose screw, successfully removing the small razor before setting the plastic down onto the sink. He looked down, slowly lifting up his shirt with his left hand. His army-green jeans clung to his body under his pelvis, leaving his pale skin visible. He gently drug the blade across his skin with force, watched as the red droplets firmed before turning into red lines that traveled down to meet with his jeans. Ivan ignored the outside world, leaving cut after cut after cut. A large crash was heard, startling him as he dropped the blade in a panic. He dropped to the floor, his shirt rising to his middle back as he searched for it. Added light filled the room, earning his attention. The door stood open, revealing Katyusha as she began her want.

"Ivan you've been in here for thirty minutes! What's taking so-" She stopped, her eyes focusing on the bloody cuts in his skin. "Ivan..." He swallowed, leaning back onto his legs as he looked down in shame. "Ivan..." Katyusha slowly approached him, kneeling down before cupping his cheeks. She stared at the cuts in his collar bone, as well as his wrists as he held onto her.

"I'm sorry..." His voice cracked as he looked up at her, silent tears marking his face.

"Why didn't you tell anyone...? Why didn't you tell someone you were in pain? We could have helped, Ivan. Why didn't you tell us?" She urged, eyeing him. He stayed silently, staring at her face. "Tell me, Ivan! Tell me! Answer me god dammit!"

 _"Nobody asked."_

 **Again, short chapter. Chapter Three will be longer, hopefully.**


	3. Chapter Three: Late At Night

**These chapters are short, but I'm not trying to write a novel. I just hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it.**

He was most artistic late at night,

"Ivan, would you mind coming here for a moment?" Ivan tensed at the voice of his teacher calling out to him. Mrs. Kirkland was a kind woman, so he knew she wasn't going to yell at him. But, he had to interact with people. He turned, his textbook in hand as he slowly approached the front of her desk. She looked up from the paper she was writing on, folding it into a square.

"Did you, need something Mrs. Kirkland?" He questioned, staring down at her. She sighed, exhaling with puffed cheeks.

"Have a seat, please." She said, tapping the front of her desk. He nodded, pulling a chair from a nearby desk and placing it in front of her desk. Ivan sat down, cringing as the chair slid while he knelt down to set his book onto the floor. "Okay, listen. I'd been wondering why you seemed so out of it, and then I was concerned when you left school for almost a week. It took a bit to get an explanation from Katyusha." She explained as she set her arms on her desk. He swallowed, staring over at her.

"Mrs. Kirkland, I can explain but-" he stopped, watching as she held up her hand.

"I won't force you to explain anything, Ivan. But I won't allow your sisters to go through what my family did when we lost Alfred. Madeline was more than upset when she had lost her older brother. And she's 16. I can't imagine how Natalya would handle such a thing. Now, I'm not mad at you, not at all. But you need help." She spoke, sighing once again after she had finished.

"What do you mean, help...?" He question softly, blond hair hanging in his face as he stared at her wavering violets. He'd almost forgotten about Alfred.

"You need to talk to people." Mrs. Kirkland said again, "Now, after Alfred's wish, my husband Arthur had started the group our son always needed." She added, handing the piece of paper to him. "They meet every Sunday and Saturday, sometimes we have dinner with one another on Wednesday. I hope to see you then."

Ivan nodded, taking the paper. He swallowed, looking up at her as she gave him a sweet smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Kirkland."

She nodded, "It's alright. Go on, you need to get home. We don't need to make your family worry." She gestured to the door as she stood up. Ivan nodded, placing the chair back after he had grabbed his things. He yawned quietly, leaving the room as he pulled his phone from his back pocket. He unlocked it, going through the new messages.

 _Yao: 'I went by your classroom. She held you back? What for?'_

He stopped, opening the door after adjusting the phone brightness. Ivan glanced up and back to his phone.

' _She wants me to go to Arthur's support group. It was made in honor of Alfred.'_

 _Yao: 'Are you going to go?'_

 _'Probably. It seems like a good idea._

 _Yao: 'It does, but I don't think you need it.'_

Ivan blinked in question, shrugging his shoulders before pocketing his phone and continuing his walk home. The world around him was oddly quiet for a Friday afternoon. Though Ivan didn't care about it too much, he still wondered. When it occurred to him why everyone wasn't there, he'd pondered how long he was actually kept after class. It couldn't have been that long, Mrs. Kirkland had hardly spoke to him. Yes, she did do most of the talking but it wasn't too much. He kept this mental debate going before deciding to just ignore it and continue his walk home.

When Ivan entered the house, he was immediately greeted by his youngest sister, the small child hugging onto his waist. He ruffled her hair, attempting to smile down at her. Natalya smiled brightly, blue eyes shining as she stared up at her brother with innocence. 'She doesn't understand.' Ivan said to himself. He said this often. She was clueless, and he wanted to keep it that way. Ivan may not have cared about himself anymore, but he did care about other people. He would do anything to save someone, even when be couldn't save himself. Maybe it was all the humanity he had left. Ninety-nine percent of him wanted to die, while the other one percent was what'd he miss. His sisters, his mother, Mrs. Kirkland, and now Yao. That one always got to him, never leaving him be. It hung above him like an umbrella, stopping the rain.

"How was school, Ivan?" Katyusha questioned, blonde hair framing her face as she stood in the kitchen doorway.

"It was... okay." He was unsure, actually. Whether to tell his sister about what Mrs. Kirkland had said to him, or to ignore it and blow it off. Why Yao would tell him he didn't need it, he still wondered. It buzzed around his mind, annoying him like mosquito would.

"Okay? That's it?" She asked him, attempting to get even a bit more out of him. Ivan nodded, muttering a 'That's it.' before pulling the paper from his pocket. He unfolded it, scanning over the address and time before handing it to his sister. Katyusha's blue eyes skimmed the page.

"I got that from Mrs. Kirkland." He said as the Ukrainian looked up to him.

"She's the French teacher, right? Alfred's mother?" She asked, earning yet again, a nod from Ivan. She clicked her tongue, "Well, it's walking distance. You gonna need a ride or can you walk?"

"I can walk." Ivan said, checking the time on the clock hanging on the wall above the microwave. Katyusha let out a sound of agreement, leaving the room. Natalya followed her, the little white bow in her blonde hair bounced as she skipped. Ivan sighed, puffing his cheeks as he exhaled.

Ivan unbuckled the seat belt, stepping outside of the car. He closed the door, backing away from the car. Natalya waved through the window as it slowly drove down the street. He turned, walking up the sidewalk to the house. He paused, staring at the cream color of the door before knocking gently. He took a step back, stuffing his hands in his pockets, waiting patiently. He turned, focusing his attention o the world around him. Children rode down the streets on their bikes, chattering and laughing as played. The sound of a door creaking open cut through his thoughts, turning his attention to a teenage girl as she stood in the doorway. Blonde pigtails hung past her shoulders with her bangs being held back and away from his eyes with red hair clips.

"Hello Ivan. Welcome to our home."


End file.
